Oh HAI, CRHISMAZ.

It’s you again.

Long time no see.

Have you put on weight? What’s up with the crazy decorations on Orchard Road, Xmas? You’re like that loud drunken girl who’s intent on flashing her bra to the whole bar. Not a good look, Xmas, not a good look.

No, it’s OK, I get it. You want to feel pretty. You want people to love you. You want them to care. Well, in your honour, I’m going to give out some prizes, wet t-shirt competition style.

(from top to bottom, left to right):

Winner of the “Xmas? I don’t give a fuck” category

The elephant in front of Wheelock Place. There is some glitzy shit happening behind him at Ion Orchard, but Lace Elephant don’t care.

Winner of the “BOW BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS” category

Ngee Ann City, aka Takashimaya centre. This Christmas Tree is the godzilla of Christmas Trees. He will make you feel like the insignficant little ant you truly are. Also don’t touch him, or he will electrocute your ass. Now GET, peasant.

Winner of the “Lighting is for losers” category

Why so sad, floppy Singaporean construction youth? Oh yeah. Your 20 foot tall Christmas penis extension is broken. Ne’mind, ne’mind.

Winner of the “Santa’s creepy twin” category

Come in, little boy, come sit on Santa’s knee. *Brrrrrrrr*. 

Winner of the “This owl will devour your soul” category

This owl.